so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Randomize
