i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
