I just threw up on my dentist
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
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