what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
