I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Randomize
