I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Randomize
