she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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