Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical�
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
