If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
