I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
