i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
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