I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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