seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
