I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
this hospital has no fireball
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
