Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
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