i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
