oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
