My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
