I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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