so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
