i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
