You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
well you can't waste a boner
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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