HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
