just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
i just sent this text using only my big toe
zippers are such a cool invention
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
