You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
smell my finger.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
