captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
