Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
