I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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