SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
