Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
What drink are we having for lunch?
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
