After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I supernannyed him into submission
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
