Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
