She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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