I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Everyone says I win the strip club
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
