On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Randomize
