shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
