why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
