Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
