Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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