i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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