I'm so fucking centered right now
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Randomize
