in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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