just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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