she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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