You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
