remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
