next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Enjoy the penises
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
