I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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