When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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