God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Randomize
